


Sirius

by favefangirl



Series: Just Friends [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Amortentia, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Dumbledore actually gives good advice, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hints of Smut, Jealous Remus Lupin, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, No Voldermort, Obliviousness, Pillow Talk, Remus is gay, Snape is a bad guy, Sorry Not Sorry, discovery of feelings, jily, no voldermort au, over a year and I still cannot tag, pls read, probably why it's an au, seemingly unrequited feelings, sirius is bi, slight angst, teenage romance angst, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 09:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11734521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/favefangirl
Summary: The Marauders have been best friends since first year, and they know all each others' darkest secrets. Or do they? What is Remus hiding? What is the cost of them finding out? Sirius doesn't care - he just wants his best friend back. And maybe, he might just want more than that.(the re-write from Sirius' POV of my fic Just Friends - now called Remus - which I promised, like, a year ago and a half ago and finished writing finally)





	Sirius

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said in the summary, over a year ago one of the first fics I ever posted was called Just Friends and it was about how Sirius saying he and Remus were just friends was like the catalyst for his true feelings to be revealed. It may make this fic become clearer if you read that first but as it is a re-write you don't have to read the other. In fact, part of me hopes you don't read the other because I read it when I was writing this and boy did I like to try and sound deep and meaningful only to end up sounding like a pretentious little prick! But hey, anything for the kudos, right?  
> Please read and hopefully enjoy!

The great hall is filled with chatter as the students of Hogwarts mingle and eat their breakfasts preparing for the day ahead. James has sent the last minute and a half trying to get Remus' attention, Peter has been filling his plate with cheese on toast - his favourite breakfast food - and I can't help staring down the table at Pandora Lovegood. She keeps flashing my flirtatious glances; fluttering eyelashes, sensual lip biting, suggestively sucking jam off a delicate fingertip. I grin at her and she flushes bright red. She may be looney, but she's gorgeous.

"MOONY!" James yells, and out of the corner of my eye I see people turning in their seats to see where the sudden outburst had come from. I draw my attention away from Pandora in order to follow the conversation.

Remus looks up from his bowl of cereal, a slight blush creeping into his cheeks, and he looks downright adorable. "What? Sorry." He mumbles, turning his gaze to James who is far too busy buttering his toast to notice Remus' increasingly pink cheeks.

"I _said_ , it's the spring dance next week. Do you have a date yet?" James asks, and I swallow thickly. This is not a question I want to hear the answer to.

I'm not jealous, that's ridiculous. Why would I be jealous? Remus and I are just friends, nothing more. It's just that Remus is amazing, and he deserves someone amazing to go out with, and I'm just not sure that there's a girl in school good enough for him. I don't want him to agree to date the first girl who bats her eyelashes at him, who'll then leave him heartbroken later down the line. As one of his best friends, I think I have the right to worry about him.

"Uh, no. I'm not going." He mutters, spooning the last of his cereal - shredded wheat - into his mouth. For someone with a sweet tooth, he sure eats bland cereal.

"What! Outrage! Why not?" I cry, far louder than I meant to, and I earn even more curious looks from around the room.

" _Because_ ," He hisses, glaring a me in that half hearted way of his that is still at least 40% fond, "It's a full moon on the same night, and a werewolf isn't the best date to a dance."

James, Peter and I all share guilty glances. We didn't _purposefully_ forget the full moon, it's just we've been so excited about the dance that we haven't really spared much thought to anything else. I feel most guilty of all, I should have made sure that it wasn't a full moon, for Remus. I am, after all, his best friend. And it was me who suggested we become Animangi all those years ago. I feel somewhat responsible for Remus' well-being, more so than either of the others.

"Maybe we could ask Dumbledore to move it to the week after?" Peter suggests, reaching for what must be his eleventh slice of cheese on toast, and dropping it onto his greasy plate.

"No. No need to irritate the school for the sake of one boy not being able to go." Remus argues, rummaging around in his bag for something which he can't seem to find.

"Uh, four boys." James corrects. Remus' head snaps up, and he shoots a confused look at James. "You really don't think we'd abandon you on a full moon for some dance, do you Moony?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Prongs. You've talked about nothing but this stupid dance for weeks! You can't just _not go_ because of me!" Remus protests, his voice straining as it rises.

"Quiet down, both of you. Someone'll hear at this rate." I whisper more sharply than I had intended, looking around at the intrigued faces. If any of them were to find out about Remus being a werewolf or one of us being an animangus, we'd all be in for it.

"You three are going to the dance, and I'm going to the shack. Wormtail is going to spend the whole night making out with his girlfriend, Prongs is going to hopelessly try to get Lily to dance with him and Pads'll flirt with anything with a pulse." I pretend not to be insulted that Remus thinks so little of me. "Then, the next day when I'm in the hospital wing, you can all come and tell me stories about how amazing it all was, to cheer me up." Remus explains, and when I open my mouth to protest he adds, "I'll be fine!" Before stalking out of the hall.

"He won't be fine, will he?" Peter asks, a hint of sadness in his tone.

I stare at the door from which Remus had just excited and reply, "Of course he won't."

X

I watch Remus read. I like watching him read, I like the way his eyes dart from one side of the page to the other, hungrily devouring the words, and how he sometimes bites his lip if the story is tense or interesting. I liked how his features seem calmest when he reads, and how his tired eyes seem to become more full of life. I like how pretty he looks, a dim light illuminating his face, being cast by an ancient lamp on an end table next to the chair. I like watching him read because he gets a far off look about him like he's somewhere else, somewhere where his life isn't quite so hard. It is, rather unfortunately, at that moment which I remember our charms homework.

"Mooooonyyyyyy!" I moan, kicking him lightly, playfully. "Pleeeeease! Please let me copy your homework this _one_ time! Please!"

"Well it won't be the first time you've copied my homework. And besides, we had a week to do it, what were you doing the whole time?" Remus replies calmly, not looking up from his stupid book.

I pout but he doesn't see, so I answer his question, "Quidditch practice with prongs!"

Which is a total lie, I was actually having secret late night make-out sessions with a Hufflepuff seventh year, but there's no way Remus will help if he knows that. It's for the greater good that he should never know. Honest! Okay, maybe not. But I can't afford to fail Charms, and Remus is the smartest person I know. Plus, he's always extremely patient with me when he tutors me, not like a lot of other people who are easily agitated when I don't understand something right away.

"You and I both know that James Potter does _not_ need help with Quidditch!" Remus protests, looking up to meet my eye.

He stares at me for a while, a dreamy look befalling his face, almost as though he is no longer in the common room, but is somewhere else. He looks so peaceful, it's almost as though his head is still in his book, reading about Ignavi Millitis. I'm half tempted to stare back, examine Remus' soft green eyes, the colour of the Forbidden Forest canopy in spring. He's so distracting, so striking, it isn't fair. He doesn't even realise how pretty he is.

Remembering the homework I sigh, "Ok, maybe I lied, but please don't let me fail charms.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

" _That_."

"What?"

"Don't try and make _me_ feel guilty because _you_ didn't do the homework." Remus says, dropping his book onto the end table next to him with a loud thud.

"Come _on_ Moony, please! Do you want me to get on my hands and knees and beg for you to help me?" I whine, putting my hands together, and pouting.

Remus sighs, and I know I've won - I always do. A huge grin spreads across my face, and Remus looks away. I assume he's disappointed that once again he caved in, and allowed me to get my own way. He's always saying it's no good for me, but I know just which buttons to push to get him to do whatever it is I want. I always make it up to him by feeding him chocolate and grapes while he's in the hospital wing after a full moon. We have a solid system worked out.

"I'll get my notes." He sighs, picking up his book and stalking off the dorm.

I smile after him, sitting up on the sofa to watch him over the back. I'm so distracted that I don't notice Pandora approaching me. It isn't until I smell a strong scent of chalk and old books that I realise she's there. I turn around to face her, and find a pretty face framed by thick blonde hair. She smiles at me, a soft but genuine smile, and moves closer. We've been playing cat and mouse all week, clearly she's as tired of it as I am. She carefully straddles me, one knee on either side of my thighs, stray strands of her hair tickling my face as she leans closer and closer.

Before I know it, she's kissing me, and I'm kissing back. My hands find her waist, and hers find my hair. She's an amazing kisser - especially for someone who's nickname is Looney Pandora - and knows exactly what to do to elicit soft moans. But somehow, for some reason, it just doesn't feel _right_. It's not just the unimpressed groans from around the common room, either. Don't get me wrong, it feels _good_ , but it's almost as though something about it isn't quite right? I try to push that feeling away as I kiss back hungrily.

X

"Sirius?" Pandora asks in a sing-song voice, chirpy as the birds in the trees above us.

"Pandora." I reply, forcing a grin as I turn my head to face her.

"We _are_ going to the dance together, right?" She says, a small smile toying at lips.

Guilt immediately rises in my stomach. How do I explain without saying too much? I already told Peter and James that I was going to the Shack so Remus wasn't alone, and that they should stay and enjoy the dance, and they said that was fine so long as I was sure. And now Pandora - lovely Pandora who wouldn't hurt a fly - is asking me to go with her, and I somehow have to explain that I'm not going at all.

"Uh, yeah, about that." I stutter, avoiding her eye. "I'm just not sure I want to go to some poxy dance? You should go with your friends."

Pandora frowns. "But, it's the spring dance?" She says as though it's the most obvious thing ever.

I rub the nape of my neck with one hand, the other on her waist. "Yeah, but it's just a stupid dance, isn't it? It isn't really my scene, sorry babe."

Her frown deepens. "Don't you like me anymore?"

I'm momentarily reminded why I'm always saying how envious I am that Remus is always single. "Of course I still like you, I just don't want to go to the dance." I soothe. "I've made plans with Remus to play exploding snap all night. He hates dances, too."

She huffs and rolls her eyes, wriggling out of my grip. We're in the grounds sat beside one of the huge oak trees that will one day be chopped down and placed in the great hall at Christmas. The grass is a little damp so Pandora spelled a blanket for us to sit on which must be scratchy on her bare legs, but she hasn't complained while she'd been straddling my lap - she has a thing about being on top, I think, which I'm not a big fan of. She sits beside me, pulling her skirt down from where I had slowly begun sliding it up.

"All you ever do is talk about Remus," she pouts.

I grin and lean in to kiss gently at her neck. "You're not jealous, are you baby?" I ask teasingly. She shakes her head and sucks in a breath, giggling high-pitched and girly. "Good," I hum into the hollow of her collarbone.

She sighs and swings her leg over mine to straddle me again. I try and pretend like the whole thing doesn't settle wrong in my stomach.

X

The rain beats down mercilessly as I make my way to the shack, falling in thick sheets that make it hard to see through. The whomping willow is right in front of me as I see a figure disappear inside. For a moment I think it's just Remus, but the posture is all wrong for someone on the verge of shifting into a werewolf, and he seems unsure about entering. I quickly realise it most definitely is not Remus, and the panic sets in.

I run the rest of the way, managing to dodge a furious branch form the hostile tree and shuffle into the entrance. I loose my footing, and fall. The ground scrapes my back as I slide down the path until I come to a halt where the ground levels out and the ceiling becomes high enough to stand up in, signalling that I've reached the shack. I can hear the floorboards creaking up ahead where the intruder must have gone, and I hurry in that direction hoping that Remus hasn't been seen.

I enter the room, shocked to find a familiar figure in front of me. It's the greasy, raven hair which gives it away. Pale skin in Slytherin green which I recognise before he turns around. Then I'm faced with Severus Snape, sneering at me, his eyes glinting in a way which clearly says, ' _gotcha_ ' even though he really hasn't. I notice he has his wand out currently casting _Lumos_ but I know he's especially skilled at the dark arts, so I shift my own hands to my pockets to easily access my own should the situation call for it.

"Snivellous? What are you doing here?" I demand, squaring my shoulders, trying to look intimidating. I'm not afraid of Snape, I'm afraid of Remus staggering in half-turned and oblivious, and Snape running straight to Dumbledore about it. It would be hard to explain away.

"I could ask you the same?" Snape replies, his voice even, eyes still glistening now obviously daring me to lie to him. A surge of anger briefly flares through me before I'm back to myself, worried more about Remus than teaching Snivellous a lesson on respect.

"I saw you disappear into the whomping willow, I thought I'd come find out why." I explain, my voice as convincing as I can possibly make it. "You go."

He flinches clearly not expecting such an easy lie to come from my lips, because we both know it's a lie and we both know he can't prove it. "I saw the tunnel, wanted to see what was down here." Snape says, and he sounds suspicious, even though it's me who is definitely not telling the truth. "I guess I'll be going now."

I step aside so he can walk past me, glaring at me as he does. I wait until he's back in the tunnel to glance quickly around the room, but I can't see any hints that Remus is here yet until my eyes fall on the old cabinet. I swear I see a green eye peering through the thin gap between the doors. I try and convey just with my eyes that I will be back before I turn and follow Snape back out of the tree. He isn't far in front of me, and I realise I will have to walk as far as the castle for this retreat to be believable which is somewhat impractical given how soaked through I am from the relentless rain.

I do it anyway, then turn around as soon as Snape is out of sight and sprint all the way back to the shack. I know Remus will be right on the brink of turning now, and I know he hates the idea of someone seeing him transition, but I cannot afford to loiter outside and risk Snape - or someone else - returning, so I crawl down the tunnel. I'm drenched from the rain, covered in mud stains, scratches and there's wet grass sticking to my shoes and trousers, but I don't care so long as Remus has someone there with him on the full moon.

Remus is sat on the battered old sofa when I reach the main room of the shack, eyes squeezed shut, hands balled into fists. He looks in pain and my heart breaks for him. I take tentative steps forwards, lightly tap him on the shoulder and say, "Moony?"

His eyes snap open and instead of beautiful forest green, I'm met with glowing yellow iris'. He's frowning at me and around needle sharp fangs he grumbles what sounds like, "What are you doing here?"

"Prongs and Wormtail are at the dance, but I couldn't bare the thought of you in this place alone," I explain, anxious about how very close he is to fully transitioning.

I know how fast I can change into my animangus form, so I'm not scared about him attacking me, but he seems to be worried for me. He shoots me a pleading look but I don't move as his limbs move sharply the sound like his bones snapping, back arching into place with a crack, thick grey fur sprouting from every visible bit of skin, his nose stretching into a snout, his ears elongating to points. He looks grotesque but strangely beautiful, like an abstract painting. He looks like something out of a horror movie but I know beneath it he's still Remus, and because of that I cannot help but love him - man or beast.

X

I wake up before Remus does after convincing the healer to let me stay in the hospital wing with him. I'm a little bruised from some game we must have played the night before and there are scratches on my back from where I fell so she let me, with a hint of a wink as she went to sign us both in on the register. I look over at where Remus is sleeping, and he has far worse than just a couple of bruises. Fresh scratches have appeared on his face and neck, some of which are deep enough to turn into fresh scars eventually, both of his eyes are dark with bruises, and I know from having watched him fall off the cabinet the night before that there must be a bruise on his side.

I slip out of bed, relieved to be out of the damp clothes from last night an into some warm pyjamas supplied by the healer. My clothes are washed and folded in a pile on the end table next to my bed with my wand placed on top. I know Remus' uniform will have been destroyed last night, but the healer has laid a fresh set on his own end table. I know his wand will be in the dorm room as he never takes it with him to the shack in case he looses or breaks it during the shift. James or Peter will bring it when they visit later.

Despite the injuries, Remus is still striking. Not conventionally handsome, especially not with all the scars across his body, but still quite beautiful nonetheless. I cannot help but stare at him for a minute - he never looks as peaceful as when he's asleep, and I let myself memorise his pliant features; the long, dark lashes on pale cheeks, the mop of curls atop his head, the faint white scars across his face.

Before I know what I'm doing I'm leaning down and pressing a chaste, delicate kiss on his forehead. When I realise what I've done, I take a long stride back, my claves knocking into the metal bedframe of my own bed. Remus stirs so I quickly slip back into bed, hoping that he doesn't know what I've done. If he freaks out, it could potentially ruin our friendship, and I don't know what I'd do without him as my friend.

His eyes flicker open gradually and I'm reminded of an illustration of Sleeping Beauty awakening from true loves kiss. I blush and try and pretend that I'm not blushing, hoping beyond hope that Remus won't notice. He moves and flinches, lifting his covers a little to look down at his body and grimacing. I feel for him, I really do. Then he looks over at my bed and sees me, his eyes widening in surprise.

"Hey," he whispers, voice thick and raspy with sleep.

"Hey," I reply. "How're you feeling?"

"Like death warmed up," Remus answers honestly, struggling to sit up.

I climb out of bed pretending it's the first time I've been up today and move over to rearrange his pillows for him so that he is comfortable. I swear he blushes, but that could just be my imagination, so I don't bring it up. It's always quiet in the hospital wing as there are never many people here, but the peace is broken as the doors swing open and James and Peter dart in as rowdy as always. I hear Remus take a deep breath like he's mentally preparing himself for this, and feel even more sorry for him.

James and Peter say hello and ask how Remus is like to overexcited puppies. While they're all enthralled in an overloud conversation, I slip behind a screen in the end of the room and get dressed, slipping my wand back into my pocket after I've tied the tie how I like it - long and loose. I bundle up the pyjamas and throw them into the cotton laundry hamper as I pass it on the way to re-join my friends. James and Peter have pulled chairs from beside other beds next to Remus' to be close to him, so I do the same.

"...My ribs are killing me," Remus says as I sit down and re-join the conversation. "What on earth did you let me do last night?" he asks shooting a half-furious half-amused glare at me.

I grin and say, "If it means that much to you I'll go out and buy you a cabinet to say sorry."

They all look at me confused, but I just grin devilishly at Remus who simply rolls his eyes at me. They're back to their usual green and as striking as the gold from last night was, I prefer them this way. I prefer whatever makes him look as much like Remus as possible. I feel guilty at the thought and I don't even know why. He's asking James how the dance was, but he keeps flicking his eyes to look at me and I feel especially vulnerable under he glance.

"She kissed me!" James exclaims, and we all know he means Lily.

"About bloody time!" I joke, trying to ignore the strange mixture of feelings bubbling inside of me.

"Yeah Prongs, you've been after her for, what? Two years now? Little bit sad isn't it?" Peter says, and something strange flashes over Remus' features as he looks down at his bed, apparently suddenly finding the cotton bedsheets especially interesting.

I'm about to ask him if he's alright when the healer approaches. "Alright boys, don't you all have lessons to go to?" she says fondly - we're regulars in the hospital wing. "He'll still be here when you get back." she promises setting down a vile of something which looks and smells disgusting.

James, Peter and I stand up to leave. "Bye Moony, don't touch any cabinets whilst we're gone," I call over my shoulder with a wink. He tries to glare but he's too bruised for it to have any kind of effect.

"What's with all this talk about cabinets?" Peter mutters, and I grin even more.

X

We tried to go back to the hospital wing after the school day was over, but the healer simply turned us away and said that Remus would be out by tonight if we didn't go charging in an exciting him. Instead we return to the common room claiming out usual seat closest the fire, sprawling out across the old sofas and, in Peter's case, across the thread bare carpet. I don't understand why he likes it so much.

I'm halfway through telling James and Peter the story of the cabinet when the entrance to the common room opens and Remus spills in, still a little unsteady on his feet. "...He was doing some weird dance on the cabinet! Looked like a mating ritual!" I explain in the tone of a joke you had to be there to get.

"So that's how I got the big bloody bruise!" Remus says, slapping me lightly on the back of the head. "Thanks for letting me break a rib!"

"You broke a rib?" Peter asks, suddenly sober, always so concerned about his friends' wellbeing.

"Well, no, but I nearly did!" he huffs and we can't help but laugh. Petulant is an unfairly good look on him. "I'm going to bed."

"Moony." I call following him to the winding staircase up to the dorms.

"Yeah?" he replies flattening himself against the wall to allow a group of shy first years to hurry past us, whispering to each other and throwing questioning glances at the state of Remus' face. Remus seems unaffected by it, but it sends a surge of anger through me.

"Do you want to do our potions homework tomorrow?" I ask trying to ignore them. "The one Slughorn set us about Amortentia?"

I remember the smell or Amortentia when Slughorn had opened a vile of it to the class - old parchment, chocolate and the scent of grass after the rain. It, strangely, made me think of Remus but that must have been because he was standing so close, and because he was suddenly tense at my side. I wonder what his smells like, since he's never expressed any sort of attraction to anybody in the years that we've known each other. It could be anything.

"Oh." he says in a strange tone of voice, a little like disappointment - like maybe he was expecting me to say something else. "Okay then."

"Moony, are you alright?" I ask, but he must be too far up the stairs to hear me, either that or he just doesn't answer.

Pretending not to be hurt, I re-join my friends whilst deciding that it's the effects of the full moon making Remus act to strange. There is nothing else it can be.

X

Remus is strangely distant when we work on our homework together in the library. I suggested we work there because it was the best place to do research when really it was because usually Remus is most comfortable in the library, and even though he did seem more relaxed, he still wasn't himself. He grew tense every time I leaned closer to him to point something out in a text book or ask him how he'd phrased a certain piece of information. I pretended not to notice and carried on as though nothing were wrong, but my confusion grew and my worries increased.

"Pandora may be freakish, but she's a great kisser!" I say breaking the silence which had settled between us on our way to the common room. I hope talking to him like nothing is wrong might make him ease up a little bit. "We went on a date the other night, we were supposed to go flying. But we spent the whole time making out instead, and let me tell you-"

"I don't want to hear about you making out with some girl." he interrupts, an unfamiliar edge in his voice which surprises me.

"Woah, okay." I say, frowning. "Don't talk about the date. Got it."

I watch him all the way to the end of the corridor, breathing heavily, a frown etched onto his face. He looks so unlike the Remus I know and he's acting like it, too. We reach the end of the corridor where we can turn either left to the owlery or right to the common room when I finally find my voice to speak again.

"Are you okay, Moony?" I ask studying his face, desperately searching for some sort of answer as to why he's acting so strange.

"I'm fine," he lies. "It's been a rough week."

"No, there's something else. Something you're not telling us." I press. He attempts to ignore me and keep walking so I grab hold of his arm and spin him to face me. "Well? What is it?"

"I said-"

"That's a load of rubbish and you know it." I interrupt, voice a little harsher than I'd meant it to be. "You're never like this after a full moon. You just eat a lot of chocolate and read twice as much. You don't turn into the flipping Grinch! And yes I know that it's a kids book, but Dr Suess is a genius! What's really wrong?" My voice rises as I speak without me really intending it so that I'm almost shouting. I don't _want_ to shout but if it's the only way I'm going to get anything out of him then so be it.

He stares at me for a long time. He keeps disappearing into his own head, and part of my wishes I could follow just to see what it's like. Sometimes he looks at me and his eyes are so full of love that I have to look away. James may be my brother, but Remus is my best friend and there's no other way of saying that I love him. There's no other way because anything else wouldn't carry the same weight. I honestly love him.

" _Moony!"_ I shout when he's been silent for a long time. "Remus, you're starting to scare me here? What could be so bad that you don't want to tell _me_ , at least? I thought we were best friends?"

"You _really_ want to know?" he spits, suddenly cold.

"Kind of why I'm asking!" I shout back, on the very edge of losing my temper.

"Well I'm a werewolf for one thing," he hisses bitterly. "My parents think I'm a monster and make me stay at school for the holidays, I'm the 'boring' one of my friends group and what else? Oh yeah, I'm also a raging homosexual who's in love with my best friend! So I do apologise if I'm not happy fricking Larry!"

He wriggles out of my grasp and storms in the direction of the common room leaving me dumbfounded in the corridor, staring after him.

X

I don't know what else to do so I go to my best friends. I find them sat in our usual place in the common room when I get there and Remus is nowhere in sight. James explains that he stormed right upstairs when he came in, and Peter confesses that he's really worried. I sigh and bury my head in my hands. Is this my fault? Am I to blame here? Are there signs I should have seen to prevent this from happening? Where there clues about how he felt I should have caught onto to save us from this mess?

James puts a comforting hand on my shoulder and asks, "What's wrong, Pads?"

I take my head out of my hands and look around at the busy common room. "Not here," I say and begin to walk to the winding staircase, knowing that James and Peter will follow me.

With a sigh I tell them the whole story, about how Remus was acting weird in the library, how I tried to confront him in the corridor, how he told me he was on love with me then stormed off. James and Peter share an undecipherable look as we reach the door to our dorm. I'm not sure I'm prepared to face Remus, but I _am_ bone tired, so I push open the door anyway.

"Gay?" Peter asks in a loud whisper.

James and I shush him looking pointedly at Remus' bed. He has the drawn curtains blocking him from our view, but we know he must be there. "Yes, his exact words were 'raging homosexual'. And how many homosexuals do you know who aren't gay?" I reply in a sarcastic whisper.

"And he likes you? As more than a friend?" James asks, clearly trying to make sense of it all. So am I.

"Yes. 'Raging homosexual who's in love with his best friend'." I sigh, running a hand across my face.

"Wow. So, do you think his Amorentia smells like you? Because that would be ironic given what the homework was." James jokes looking at Peter and expecting him to laugh.

Peter does, but tries to cover it up with a cough when he sees me glaring at them both. I shake my head and slip off my uniform, crawling into bed in just my boxer shorts, sliding closed my own curtains. I lay on my back listening to James and Peter giggling, trying to hear Remus' steady breathing over the top of it. I stare at the ceiling for a long time trying to figure out if there really were any clues that Remus was in love with me, but coming up blank. He was really very good at hiding it.

I think of Pandora, of the wrongness I feel every time she kisses me. I think of all the other girls I've kissed all lip-gloss sticky and bubble gum sweet - sugar and spice and all things nice. How none of those ever really felt right, either. Then of how my lips had felt pressed softly against Remus' warm skin in the hospital wing, how the scent of amortentia had reminded me of him, how my first thought in any situation is always how would Remus react. Then it dawns on me, perhaps belatedly, that _I_ love Remus, too! No, I don't love him, I'm _in love_ with him.

It's so obvious, after all these years of explaining away my feelings that the truth is I'm in love with him. I think perhaps I always have, but having friends like James, Peter and Remus was so new to me I'd managed to convince myself that it was platonic, but I realise now it wasn't - it isn't. I'm in love with him, that's why those other girls all felt wrong, because I didn't want some sickly sweet princess wrapped in my arms, I want Remus. That's why I've always thought of him as beautiful, not some sort of best friend bias, but because I'm attracted to him. That's why I always avert my eyes when he gets changed, or why I always got possessive at the thought of Remus dating someone else, or why I always want to be as close to him as possible. I'm in love with him!

I stare at my ceiling until sleep takes me, wondering how on earth I am going to fix this mess.

X

Remus avoids us for the next few days which is really no surprise, he's probably scared out of his mind that we're going to abandon him. I've already spoken to James and Peter and we're in agreement that Remus being gay changes nothing between us. When I told them how I felt about him, they both grinned and said they hoped we'd be happy together but we should put a sock on the door to save any embarrassment. I want to comfort Remus, wrap my arms around him and whisper sweet nothings in his ear until he's happy again, but there are a couple of things I have to sort out first.

The first is grinning at me as she walks over to 'our spot' looking artfully dishevelled as usual. She drops down into my lap with ease and grace. Remus is one of the least graceful people I know and I realise another reason that all the girls I've dated have never felt right is that they were all so different from Remus. None of them had his dry sense of humour, or astounding intelligence, or his adorable clumsiness. It's not wonder, really, why we never lasted very long.

"Hey baby," Pandora purrs leaning in to kiss me. I lean away before her lips can touch me and she frowns. "What's wrong?"

"Look," I say running through my speech in my head. I always hate this bit. "You are an amazing girl, alright? You're funny, smart, gorgeous."

"Then why are you about to break up with me?" she demands, not unfairly. I almost laugh - the girl is nothing if not perceptive.

"Because I realised that actually I have feelings for someone else, and I don't think it would be fair to anyone if I were to still date you even though I know that." I explain as softly as I can, almost like I'm soothing a young child.

She shakes her head and stands, using my shoulders to push herself up. She looks down at me, like she always has, but instead of eyes blown wide with lust, they're dark with hurt. "Okay," she says tightly. "Goodbye then, I suppose."

She looks like she's going to say something else, but then she walks away. I release a shaky breath I didn't know I was holding, and climb to my feet. There's no rest for the wicked.

X

"Evans my dear," I say sliding next to her in the great hall.

She shares a glance with Marlene, almost like they're having a full conversation with just their eyes, before turning to me. "What do you want, Sirius?"

"I'm looking for an adorable six foot book nerd," I say conversationally. "Know where I can find one?"

"He's in the library," she says then narrows her eyes. "He told me that you know, and I get that you might not feel the same way, which I doubt but that's not the point. The point is, you need to be nice to him, let him down gently. He's already convinced you all hate him and are planning on getting him kicked out of the room."

"You knew?"

"Of course I knew, he was desperate for someone to talk to but was petrified about how you three would react." Lily says with a wave of her hand.

"I'm not going to hurt him," I promise, "And we aren't going to kick him out."

"You'd better not," Lily says darkly, "because if you hurt him I'll hurt you ten times worse."

I grin at her, seeing for a brief moment what James must see every time he looks at her. "I don't doubt it."

X

The library is quiet when I get there, especially for a Saturday, but I'm partially thankful for it. I catch sight of Remus almost straight away browsing for books on one of the tall, full shelves, and have to tell myself to breathe. I've never been nervous around him before, but that was before I realised how deep my feelings for him were. Now my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty. This must be what it's been like for him every day since he realised how he felt. My heart aches for him.

"Remus?" I whisper as I round a shelf to face him.

He looks at me for a second like he doesn't quite believe it's me then chokes out a weak, "Hi."

"Hey," I reply as softly as I can. I feel like I'm talking to a baby deer, treading lightly so I don't startle it.

"Um," he says looking down at the spine of the book in his hand. "What do you want?"

"Can we take a walk?" I ask. "Please."

He nods as though he doesn't trust his vocal cords enough to speak, but I'll take it. He puts the books back on the shelf and follows me, albeit apprehensively, out of the library. It's almost Deja Vu, walking beside Remus is a silence which isn't quite comfortable. There are people in this corridor, and I need privacy for what I want to say. I have a plan, I've rehearsed it in my head over and over, I'll have Remus swooning over me in no time.

We round a corner into a deserted corridor and after a quick look around I decide it will probably stay that way. There's a little alcove in the wall which could give us a little extra privacy if needs be, anyway, so I conclude that here is the perfect place. I can practically feel the nervous energy rolling off Remus in waves, and he keeps clenching and unclenching his fists at his sides. For the first time, I'm probably just as nervous as he is, more so if my heart being lodged in my mouth is anything to go by. I remind myself that I have the safety net of already knowing how he feels about me - something he never had the luxury of having. If he could do this, then so can I.

I turn to face him but can't quite meet his eye as I say, "So, you're in love with me?"

"Uh, yeah." he replies breathily. He pulls a face like he's in conflict with himself then adds, "For two years now, actually."

Merlin, only two years. Whenever I think back, I can trace my own feelings right back to first year, to the eleven year old boy buried beneath a worn jumper with eyes the colour of grass when autumn turns to spring. Granted, I wasn't _in love_ with him back then, my head was probably too twisted to even know what real love was, but I was definitely falling for him without even realising it.

"Right." I whisper to no one in particular.

He looks so vulnerable like this and Merlin knows what's going on inside that beautiful head of his. The long, meaningful speech I had planned disappears - disintegrates under his questioning eyes. I want to kiss him so bad it feels like it's consuming every part of me - like it's eating away at my very soul. I want to kiss him and I wrack my brain for a reason not to but I come up with nothing, I suspect it's got something to do with the fact that I just really don't want to. I love him and he loves me, that's all that matters.

So I press forward forcing us both into the alcove, probably a little too hard as our lips smash together, but it's the first time I've ever done this with a bloke and the first time with Remus - I'm maybe a little overeager. Remus doesn't move for what must be a few seconds but stretches out into an eternity, and I worry that I've gone and blown it. I'm about to pull away when suddenly Remus twitches tentatively to life.

He kisses back soft at first but then hungrily, pressing his mouth back into mine. He doesn't move his hands from his sides like he's still afraid to touch me, but mine are steady on the sides of his face. _This_ , I think, _this is kissing_. It's no secret that I've kissed plenty of people before, but it's never felt like this. I press myself as close as I can get, one of my knees pushing between his legs making him moan soft and low into my mouth. Remus is inexperienced, that much is obvious, but he more than makes up for it with his enthusiasm. His lips are chapped and he tastes like toothpaste instead of bubble-gum - such a simple little kiss has me thoroughly intoxicated.

I wait until the very last moment to pull my lips away, when I feel dangerously light headed from the closeness of Remus and from the lack of oxygen.  I stay pressed close, breathing laboriously. Remus isn't in a much better state, lips red and a little puffy, eyes darkened with what I can only assume is lust. He looks _wrecked_. He's so repressed when it comes to this, I could probably make him come apart from kissing him alone. The idea is tempting, but my mouth goes dry at the thought of all the other things I could do to him, the many ways I can make him feel good.

"I, uh, I, uh...thank you?" he stutters, then grimaces at his own words.

This punches a humorous laugh from me. "I think I'm in love," I giggle into the crook of his neck. "Thank you, he says!"

"Sorry, that was stupid." he says and when I pull away he's grinning.

I sober up at the glint in his green eyes - happiness. "I _am_ in love." I whisper so that only Remus hears it even though we're alone. This is between me and him, the dust mites be damned. " _With you_." I add, making sure that Remus knows it. I never want him to doubt that he's loved ever again.

He's practically purring as he presses forward for another kiss, bringing our bodies as close together as humanly possible. He moves his hands, finally, to grip my waist almost like he's trying to make sure that I'm real and that I'm there. I'm conceited enough to imagine him night after night craving my touch, shakiy hands on stubborn zippers and warm mouth on pale skin, our bodies being pulled impossibly closer together. It's what I've been thinking about for the past 24 hours, anyway.

As much as it pains me, I drag my mouth away from his. I begin to trail wet, hot kisses down his throat, sucking randomly and leaving faint bruises which I know will heal soon because _werewolf_ , but I'll know they were there and so will he. I keep one hand on the side of his face, cupping his jaw and running a thumb over his cheekbone, but I let the other trail down his body. His robes are too thick for me to feel the faint muscles I know are hiding away beneath them, but I let myself imagine. My hand reaches his crotch and he gasps. I pause, allowing him to ask me to stop if he wants.

"I've, uh, never done that before." he whispers, cheeks turning red in what I can only assume is embarrassment. "With a boy or girl."

I want to tell him that there's a possessive streak in my which is glad I'll be his first - his only if I can - but instead I settle for an encouraging smile. "It's okay." I reply, and he nods like he believes me, like he's giving me permission to continue. "I'll be gentle." I promise before my hand disappears into his robes.

X

Getting back to the dorm was a familiar path with new, unfamiliar obstacles. One being people giving Remus - who was still beet red - questioning glances. Another being me having to force myself to keep my hands off of him. I wanted to touch every part of him, and I didn't want to wait to do it. Luckily James, Peter and Lily weren't in the common room when we got there, so we could go straight up to the dorm. We went inside, noting that it was thankfully empty, and I cast a couple of silencing charms (just in case) before pushing Remus onto my bed. He looked good there. I knew he would.

"Tonight when all I can smell on my sheets is you, I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep my hands to myself tomorrow." I whisper into Remus' collar bone, both of us still coming down from our highs, but Remus had the sense to cast a spell to clean us both up.

He has one hand on my back rubbing slow circles at the base, the other is own his chest which is rising and falling at an even pace. It was not a few minutes ago. He's laying on his back, and I'm on my side facing him, one hand balancing myself on his chest, the other propping up my head. He's gorgeous like this, blissed out and happy. I was worried about never having been with a bloke before, but it was fairly straight forward actually. The biggest issue was making sure I was patient enough to prepare Remus properly and avoid hurting him too much.

"I won't complain." Remus replies and I can hear him smiling. "And Amortentia does smell like you, just so you know. Well, wet dog, but I don't know any others. So..."

I pull my face away from his neck and cringe. "Ugh, you heard?" Remus nods and shrugs. "Figures. I'm sorry I didn't tell you then that I felt the same way, and I'm sorry I outed you. Things were just complicated. I had Pandora, who's great, but I always wanted more from _you_. And I was confused so I tried to ignore it, but I got to thinking that night and yeah, I think to myself, I do love him. Then you were ignoring me, and I couldn't cope! So I ended things with Pandora, told Prongs and Wormtail how I felt, then rushed to the library to confess my undying love for-"

I don't get to finish my proclamation of love because the door opens and in steps James and Peter. I sit up faster than Remus who doesn't move until he hears James and Peter's giggles. Peter goes bright red and I groan, falling back onto the bed. Remus covers his face with his hands, but I can tell he's blushing furiously as well. Maybe James was right about the sock on the door, after all I don't intend for this to be a one time thing. In fact, now I have Remus, I don't ever plan on letting him go.

**Author's Note:**

> Pandora is Luna's mom and I don't know what her maiden name is. I don't know if she'd have been at Hogwarts at the same time as the marauders, but who cares. In this Hogwarts she was. I never mentioned a year for her, so she could be a first year for all you know! (Well, that would be a bit weird, but you get my point.)
> 
> I'm not a smut writer (still) even though that's something I'm trying to work on for the sake of developing my writing (and because this site is 90% porn and I want to stay relevant) but I imagine that Sirius would have been gentle, taking it slow and making it good for Remus before even considering his own pleasure. I never stated in Remus who was top and who was bottom, but in this I sort of hinted at Sirius being top because imagine this;  
> Remus Lupin who thinks he is incapable of being loved, who sees himself as a monster, who has been lusting after his best friend for years but never going for it  
> Remus Lupin who has never felt delicate or precious before but has always craved that feeling despite coming to terms with the fact he'll probably never expirience it  
> Sirius Black who worships Remus' body, making him for more loved than he ever has before and feeling small and fragile in the best possible ways  
> !!!!  
> At least that's my head cannon, anyway. Feel free to disagree and maybe have Sirius discover he hates being bottom only when it's a girl he's with, but with Remus he actually loves being bottom. It's up to you, however you want to read it.
> 
> "He looks grotesque but strangely beautiful, like an abstract painting." If I was Cassandra Clare I'd go into detail of the painting and the artist, quote some dead guy and launch into a paragraph about how beautiful Jace is. I love this woman but God does she ramble - just like me!
> 
> There is a lot of people re-joining stuff in this for which I apologise.
> 
> Is Peter out of character? Possibly. But he was once a Marauder and I will defend my decision to make him one of the group to my dying breath. People become bad, and Peter did, but he wasn't always that way. Fucking fight me, Susan!
> 
> Half of this note is me cringing as I edit my work - sorry and please send help.
> 
> If you're feeling lovely you could maybe leave a kudos or a comment. If you'd like. I do take criticism so long as it is constructive and not just meanness because I want to learn how to get better not how to hate my writing more, and I always reply to comments (touch wood).
> 
> If you want to message me my Instagram is Favefangirl and my Tumblr is [nebulous--bounds](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nebulous--bounds) I'm more than happy to answer any questions, maybe fill any prompts or just generally converse with you lovely people. Be sure to follow me, too, if you want! I'm mostly multi-fan and I blog a lot about writing (especially on Tumblr). You can also follow me on Pinterest [here](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/Favefangirl/)
> 
> Thanks for reading, have a great existence!


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